April 29, 2003
Swiss kill Frosty, warn other Snowmen "Don't f*** with us!"
In an annual, pagan-based ceremony, just under a million people gathered in downtown Zürich to watch Frosty the Snowman be burned at the stake. "Snowman speak one language...the language of violence. Efforts at a peaceful resolution to our conflict with the Snowmen have failed, and they continued to terrorize our citizens, our goats and our cows" said Marcel Üli, Director of Swiss Defense and Sports.
"We got lucky"
For the past seven years, the Swiss have revived an ancient Snowman execution ritual. Before Frosty, the previous executions have always been on low-level Snowmen militia members. Each year three or four Snowmen militia are captured, usually by Swiss farmers that live at the base of the Alps. "This year we got lucky" says Alex Müller, one of the three Swiss farmers credited with Frosty's capture.
Müller claims he and two neighbors were wandering at the edge of the snow line, looking for group of goats that had ventured too far up the mountain. "We came around a bend and there he was. Thank god, Jörg [his neighbor] had thought to bring a torch." Frosty was captured just a few kilometers from the San Gotthard tunnel, where 17 people died three years ago in a horrific "accident". The tunnel is the country's second longest. "That was no accident. It was clearly Snowmen terrorists" Müller says. Locals have long alleged that Snowman links to the accident have been kept secret to ease fears and not damage tourism.
Since the revival of Snowman executions, the number of Snowman attacks have decreased almost 30%, but the ferocity of attacks, deaths and financial impact has risen sharply.
Critics claim annual Snowman executions only cause Snowmen to organize. "The worst is yet to come. By killing Frosty we will inspire a massive attack, maybe even shutting down an entire ski resort." says Dan Schwartzmüller, the regional head of the Alpine Snowman Peace Organization, headquartered in Geneve. Scwartzmüller claims the executions directly led to the failure of the 1996 peace talks and the dissolution of the St. Moritz Accord.
Frosty was #3 on the most-wanted Snowman list.
While officials admit Frosty is not the mastermind behind the Snowman, they claim he is an important icon and his capture and execution will send deep ripples through the Snowman resistance. A high ranking Defense and Sports Ministry official, who asked not to be named, says Frosty is the face and voice of the snowman resistance around the world. If you were looking for an icon, he's it."
And a martyr, critics claim. Professor Heinrich Otto Schaefer of the prestigious Institute of Snowman Studies at the University of St. Gallen says by killing Frosty in such a public and brutal way, younger snowmen who were more inclined to compromise and negotiation will now be driven to violence, perpetuating the cycle of hate, mistrust and murder. "It is crazy to think by burning the most well known Snowman, a figure revered by millions around the world, they will stem the violence."
Too cruel?
About one hundred protesters from away as Japan risked arrest to fight the execution. Jenny Taylor of London England says the killing is brutal and anachronistic. "They put explosives around his neck so his head would blow off when the flames get there. It's sick." Ms. Taylor is not alone, even a few Swiss locals have begun to question whether burning Frosty and his predecessors is wise or humane. "Look at them, it is like they are at a giant party" Ms. Taylor says.
"Of course, we're Christians"
The ceremony follow ancient pagan rituals from Switzerland's earliest days. While most pagan ceremonies have been abandoned over the past 200 years, this one has been revived. Markus Schotz, head council member of the Swiss Pagan Society says that pagan traditions can co-exist with Christianity. "Of course, the Swiss are good Christians, but when it comes to dealing Snowmen, our forefathers knew best."
The Swiss are one of the most church-going societies in Europe, and at least one church can be found at the center of even the smallest village. Over 80% of Swiss are registered as either Catholic or Reformists. Critics say the numbers are exaggerated, pointing to an alleged deal struck in 1974 between UBS and the Pope, where UBS took over fund management for the Catholic Church's multi-billion dollar pension.
A Zürich woman, who asked to remain anonymous, told this reporter, "In Switzerland the bankers are more powerful than the politicians. In the end it's about money." She points out that while her family is registered Catholic, they are really agnostic. Her family, like thousands more in the early seventies converted en-mass to Catholicism. "It wasn't because we suddenly saw the light...it was for our roads" saying a deal was struck between her village and the Kanton of Zürich increase road maintenance budgets as long as the village kept registered Catholics over 80%. "What were we going to do? Granite lined country roads aren't free...and we needed to added subterranean heaters to one steep road that has iced up a couple times in the last century." Both UBS and the Kanton of Zürich deny that road budgets are tied to Catholic registration.
"Winters are terrifying"
Over the past seven years the Snowman have resorted to bigger, more aggressive attacks, usually in the Winter when they can descend under snow cover. After 1992 peace negotiation collapsed and the end of the 1982 St. Moritz Accord, the Snowmen have resorted to attacks on Swiss infrastructure and popular vacation areas. Some even blame the recent failure of Swissair on Snowmen, though credible evidence of Snowman involvement has ever surfaced.
The Alps: Friend or Foe?
"For years the Alps have been our best defense against Germans, Austrians, Italians, and I guess the French, though you don't need that much to protect against the French," says Gerd Folker, a major in the military. "But today, they [the Alps] are our biggest enemy. Were surrounded" he adds, in reference to Snowmen militia who thrive in the harsh alpine conditions that stay snow-topped year-round. In the winter the Swiss military use mortar shells near popular tourist areas and ski resorts to keep Snowmen at bay, though tourists are told the mortars are needed to reduce the chances of deadly avalanches. The Swiss have also been quietly rigging major Alpine passes and tunnels with explosives, that will hopefully severe connections to major cities in a worst case scenario.
With Frosty dead, what's next?
Which all comes back to the death of Frosty the Snowman. Only time will tell if the capture and execution of Frosty will lead to more or fewer attacks against the Swiss. But early reports are not promising. One young Snowman said, "I loved Frosty. I cannot wait until I am big enough to help attack Swiss, maybe I can help take out Davos [ski resort]."
Heli-Herb 2003: Jump from a Helicopter!
For my birthday, my sister Sioux rented a helicopter for skydiving and invited cool people from Austria, Switzerland, and the Netherlands (or do I say Holland?) to join in. It is called "Heli-Herb 2003" and (sorry...too easy) it sounds "heli-cool" :) You are invited, too (don't miss the cards on invite!).
Taking vitamins harmful or useless says smart scientist
I thought this is interesting. Good enough for me, vitamins are expensive. It is from the NY Times. If you don't have an account , I think mine "jbonforte" pswd "bonforte".
New Apple Music Service...PC Users, "I'm not jealous, I swear."
Best I can tell, Mac users are like residents of a beach community in San Diego and PC users are life long residents from Wisconsin (I almost said Portland). Wisconsin residents can harp as much as they like that the weather is not sooo bad and the people are really nice, but San Diego residents will always look at them in bewilderment. I have lived in San Diego and I have been to Wisconsin. Wisconsin sucks. For the most part, Wisconsonians don't even try to defend Wisconsin to San Diegans...I guess they are still working on Minnesotans. If PC users would do the same then we Mac users wouldn't have to torture you so. Besides, I am sure more people live in Wisconsin than Del Mar and a house in Madison may be much cheaper...but I ain't movin' to Madison.
Apple launched a new 99 cent per download Music Service yesterday. It works very well. The selection is not as good as Napster, but when you try to download a song it actually works. And the quality of the songs is much better than even when I rip songs from a CD. Last night, I bought 31 songs. Uh-oh. In the meantime...yet another reason to make fun of silly PC users. You need a Mac for now, but promises the service for Windows by the end of the year. My favorite quotes come from CEOs of competing services that suck big time, "We are not worried, this will help our business." Sure buddy. That is what they said about the iPod before it took over 40% of the market.
April 26, 2003
ICE CREAM!
Ben and Jerry's has their annual free scoop day on Tue, April 29 from 12p - 8p and Baskin Robbins has met this competitive threat with their "4th Annual No We Are Not Copying" Free Scoops Day on Wed, April 30 from 6p to 10p. No word on any further escalations from TCBY.
Let me just say, by the way, that TCBY is evil in a way that Starbucks never could be. Since I don't drink coffee, I say good riddance to the small coffee-shops of yore. There was a time in the mid-eighties where I think we all thought every store on main street would become a frozen yogurt shop. High powered investment bankers were giving up professions to open little shop of fruity, frozen delights. Alas, the fall of the independently owned frozen yogurt shops is a real shame, made all the more humiliating as it came at the hands of such mediocre competition as crappy-TCBY. As finding an obvious scapegoat is too hard at this point, I will just blame a perennial favorite...the Mormons. And while all of you in the Religious Right may have just breathed a collective sigh of release...don't get to comfortable. Your next.
"Hey Epi-Lady"
Six million American's (and 100% of playmates) are obsessed with pulling out their hair. Trichy stuff. My favorite quote from the article is, "I was supposed to go to Miss Teen California and then I was set back by my hair." Of course, if your hair were holding you back from you beauty pageant career, you aren't left with many options. Rip. Of course, I should disclose that I have a small fur fetish too...sad.
April 25, 2003
It seems J-Lo's "block" doesn't like her...poor her *yawn*
Hey, I'm no J Lo fan, but I don't get the point of this article other than her old neighbors and ex-husband were a bunch of tools. And while I am on the topic of tools, what is the deal with the Brits? They are just really getting on my nerves recently. I use to be kind of impressed with the accent...now it just bugs the hell out of me. We just had a bunch of drunken tea bag soccer thugs in town...the Swiss were not happy about it.
I went to school with Scott Peterson
According to this article, husbands kill their wives, usually in the eighth month of pregnancy and often preceded with an extramarital affair. And the second leading cause of death in pregnant women, after complications, is murder. Amazing. I think Scott is baked.By the way, on our eighth grade flag-football team, Scott had the most "Ax-Murders"...which is a block that puts the other guy on his butt. Who would have thunk? I found him to be quiet, uncool, slightly bitter...and with the cold, calculating look in his eye of a murder. Well, we will see.
Bonforte Admits, "I've gone Euro."
With less than 12 months in Switzerland, Friday Jeff Bonforte admitted defeat. "I have gone Euro, no question" he lamented.
Adding, "At first little things happen, like a pair of black socks when you go hiking. I just laughed at this." But before he knew it, he was full bore Euro. "Yeah, yeah, we saw him yesterday for the first time in a couple months and we thought, 'wow, he looks really nice'" said Urs and Marcel, two Swiss friends that are not known for their style. Bonforte says he actively worked against going Euro, but overtime let his guard down. "I worked hard to wear jeans, tennis shoes and a baseball cap, but after a while, the tennis shoes went to the back of the closet and I lost my baseball cap a couple of months ago and never bothered to get another. I even have a damn Speedo now...though when I bought it, I told myself it was for training in the pool" says Bonforte, with a tight fitting striped shirt and oversized collar. "I spent 15 minutes in front of a store window the other day checking out wire-rimmed glasses. I don't even wear glasses." A close American friend, Chris Lindland isn't surprised, "I knew this would happen...I had a bet with my friend that he would fall. I am actually surprised it took him as long as it did. Being the consumer that he is, I thought he would be buying Eurocrap using an excuse he liked it for its irony value." His family was equally shocked. "I saw this picture, and I didn't even recognize him." Amy, his American-based girlfriend, who is known to be quite "euro" herself, likes his look, "I don't know why everyone laughs at him, I think he looks super-güile (badly mis-pronouncing the Swiss German word for 'cool')."
Spring in Switzerland. Think Yellow.
As this is my first Spring in Switzerland, I was very happy to see how awesome it is. Here are two pictures of the dandelions blooming in the farmers' fields. One and two . Oh, and Sioux wanted me to mention that the air is pungent with the smell of wild garlic...which she learned you can eat.
Baby needs new shoes
I bought a pair of new shoes in Barcelona last week. I am trying to be cooler. I don't think it is working...but I do like the picture.
Would you like some Rosti with that Big Mac?
Now I know why I keep blowing my budget each month.
An acre on the moon: $29. Bridges in Brooklyn: $19.
Now you too can get in on the Lunar Land Rush!!! Finally.Lindland taunts Swiss with Yodel Smack
From high atop Mt. Tamalpais, Chris Lindland today announced "Yoooodelayheeeh--iz--ooo! ", calling out Jeff Bonforte, the former American freestyle yodeling champ, who, amid doping allegations, fled to Switzerland in 2002.
No word from the Bonforte camp about a possible transcontinental Yodeling grapple or boogie, but international regulations demand a reply within 24 hours.
Developing...
April 24, 2003
Tariq Aziz, Former Iraqi Deputy PM was just captured
drudge report is saying. CORRECTION: Apparently he turned himself in with the promise he could be George Harrison's neighbor. Officials and Harrison have refused to comment.Ecuador has a BIG cockroach problem, I hear.
Is that a BUG on your arm, or are you just happy to see me? Sioux is brave. I hate bugs. She looks happy. The bug is either saying, "Hello friend!" or it is reared on its hind legs preparing for the "mother of all battles" and a big dinner. Hmmm. What exactly is the point of the stick bug, anyway? In a few million years will we have laptop bugs? Honda Civic bugs? Perhaps this is a good time to introduce Tom Cramer's theory of the urban "super-predator", particularly useful for thinning the herd...particularly the slow ones.
The Spaniards have a thing for pigs
If you have ever been to Spain you will appreciate that they love pigs there. You can't go into a restaurant that doesn't have a dozen or so pig's hanging from the ceiling, curing I guess. Here is a very strange picture I snapped of a truck in Barcelona that buzzed by Amy and me last week. Check out the look on the pig's face.
And you thought SF Meter Maids were harsh
Meter maids in London mean business. Check it out .Russian Scientist to World: "Leave Lights On...Forever"
According to this article, some Russian scientists have invented a perpetual machine, that generates 2 units of energy for each one unit you add. Nice trick. The Canadians believe it, and I trust the Canadians.Only in Am-m-merica
Here is a little lawsuit that could only happen in America.SF Film Festival Pick
Carrie & I went to see this intense & shocking documentary on the issue of Brazilian homelessess of young children. The story is told through the tragic account of a hijacking incident. Click Here for the movie review. It is part of this week's San Francisco International Film Festival.
Cool Honda Ad
For those of you with a fast connection and Flash 6 installed, you can take a look at this cool honda ad, inspired from a 1987 film, "The Way Things Go". It is pretty amazing...but be warned it takes a bit of time to view it.I do love Sweden...but where are the blonds?
I was lucky enough to be invited as a VIP to the 2003 Miss Sweden contest in Stockholm. Here I am with the winner...and last years winner. I was there as a guest of one of the judges. He asked me what questions he should ask the contestants. I am curious what you would have asked the potential Swedish queens? Begin commenting.
All of Dennis Miller's Rants
If you haven't already, you should bookmark all of Dennis Miller's HBO Rants here. Unfortunately, the show is no longer being taped, I think...not sure, don't have TV in Switzerland.